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Date:2002-08-23 11:22
Subject:i fear that i am ordinary, just like everyone

is it really the 23rd of august already?
good lord this summer has all but disappeared already and i was just starting to enjoy it. well, at least july and the first week of this month were faboo.
the fog today was incredible. i love how it rolls across the parking lot outside my office window and is so hypnotic. almost like snow. it makes me realise that winter and lying in front of the fireplace is not very far off indeed.
yesterday, i went on my first motorcycle ride in 17 years. and my very first on a harley-davidson. very loud, not very comfortable, definitely very cool.
(interesting fact #92 - the person who owns the bike is named gary coleman.)
i'll prolly go again. its fun having redneck biker friends. i never would have thought that at this time last year. and they have surprised me by being very accepting. unlike most all of my friends, which, have not.

today is all about work, then a visit to targay for assorted september necessities, then possibly a visit to my local quiznos for some honey bacon club goodness. mmm-hmmm.
and then more work tomorrow. its all overtime from here on out, which is great because i really need it right now.

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Date:2002-06-06 12:44
Subject:the truth

"No person is your friend (or kin) who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow and be perceived as fully blossomed as you were intended. Or who belittles in any fashion the gifts you labor so to bring into the world."

-Alice Walker

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Date:2002-06-04 09:51
Subject:I just love this song and I had to learn the lyrics

Broken ChairsCollapse )

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Date:2002-06-03 10:22
Subject:the word for Sunday

~meaning an evenness of mind, especially under stress.
Courtesy of Dr. Anne Lawrence.

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Date:2002-05-30 13:05
Subject:My words for today




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Date:2002-05-17 07:05
Subject:Chester's in the hiz-owse!
Mood:Crescent Fresh

Tonight MBA is hosting its first annual Sifl-n-Olly Marathon!
All episodes plus the lost season 3hree.
Punch and Pie provided for all.

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Date:2002-04-25 11:38

My journal was reviewed!
ya know I may just start using this journal again, but it would still have to be friends-only. Sorry! There are people in my life that read this and read into things they shouldnt, ( and wont comment!) but I still have to write because its how I feel.
Ive been updating another journal since February (I grew tired of my crummy user ID and you cant change it)

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Date:2002-02-04 14:37
Subject:if you're curious

most of my entries are now 'friends only'...

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Date:2002-01-25 12:57
Subject:...a job that slowly kills you...

the guy next to me is listening to OK computer too!

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Date:2002-01-25 11:26

you can ask me questions as well. I will answer all to the best of my ability.

questions anyone?

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Date:2002-01-21 09:51
Subject:wonderful weekend, thank you very much

Tl came by on Friday around 7pm and for some reason terra felt like questioning her on a bunch of things, which she didn't mind really but it was different because terra seemed to be genuinely interested in what she had to say. Terra also apologized for an incident that happened a few months ago. Tl really thought that was sweet, she really had hoped to get an apology. Better late than never! We shared some bong tokes then TL and I went to Chevys for drinks and appetizers. Mmm the food at Chevys is so different tasting than any other mex restaurant its very good and always fresh! But this night the waitress could not get our drink orders right at all. I think I had a couple lava lamps, but I know I was served unknown drinks and had to return them. We sat next to another girl couple and one of them was really cute, she kinda looked like Terra, but with a different nose. They noticed me about half way into their dinner and I could tell they were whispering to each other about me I don't really mind that anymore. There isnt anything that I can do about it. I had fuzz because electro was the next morning. When we left I made sure to smile and wave goodbye to them. That always works!
Saturday I had early Electro, and I really hate/love that. Im really loving the way my face feels these days and every minute of electro is worth it and I just adore my electrolysist Sara, she is so awesome! She gave me a copy of "Time, Love, memory" to read this week then Im giving it to TL.
After Electro I had to work overtime to finish up some drawings that B couldn't get to in time. I worked 5 hours then came home. It was so eerie to be in this huge building with all the lights off alone, I don't think there were too many employees here at 6pm Saturday night. Came home, got all comfy cozy in my PJs and watched teevee most of the evening with Terra.
Yesterday TL called me around 930 and we decided to go shopping at Country Village for the day. I got ready and went to get her then we got some delicious vanilla lattes and drove out to Snohomish via the new River road (which is perfect now!) and then down towards Bothell and country village, our destination. I love going there to visit 'Hooterville", which is a halfway house for abandoned cats and dogs. I usually cry my eyes out there, but I did well this time ( I think I cried out all my tears last week!) There was one kitty that looked just like Jerrys dad, and he was sleeping on a towel tooI wish I could take them all home! Tl found this super cute Lady Bug cookie jar. I didn't find anything, but one store had some gorgeous jewelry and reasonably priced too!
Then we went out to OG for lunch and that was awesome. I ate way too much! OG is permanently busy anymore. So we sat in the bar and didn't have to wait at all!
Afterwards I took TL home and then I headed back to MBA to finish up my laundry. She invited me back over to the house to watch the Simpsons later, and so I did, and it was a very nice and comfortable end to the weekend. (Well then I came back to the apt and terra was definitely in a good mood *smiles* )
Tonight Terra and I are going to get all of the supplies we need for our upcoming SRS, Im going to get everything ready that way in case my date changes I will be prepared. 365 days.

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Date:2002-01-17 13:54
Subject:Im on your side... no where to hide

I think a couple things helped out my situation this week with roomie, one, I asked her if she had ever helped anyone, if she had ever given of herself unconditionally (to which she couldn't answer) and two, I had her watch Albert Brooks'- "defending your life".
It appears, at least on a conscious level, to have worked. I am surprised-, I didn't think I could penetrate that thick skull in the least. Shes very stubborn.
As a result of this, things are definitely better today.
And don't get me wrong, I am glad Terra is my friend. Especially in this year of missing friends. Its just not exactly the perfect situation to grow a friendship in.
And the good news today is that she got her letters of recommendation!
On the home front, TL came by last night to share some delicious pez and after a couple bong hits we decided to get some dinner out. Well that turned out to be taco bell, which is alright considering how poor I am these days. Then we went back to the house to watch the worst movie ever,
'freddy got fingered' - just horrible. Im sorry harland williams.

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Date:2002-01-16 10:57
Subject:Things couldnt be more lovely

I just love the way the fog rolls in around here and hides most of the trees, gives it such an ethereal quality to life. I just wish it would snow! being that its cold enough for it today.
Im so busy at work, I was just handed the entire endcap engineering package and I guess Im going to be the sustaining engineer from now on. Which is a good thing and keeps me out of the work cell. I hate the work cell.
TL is coming by tonight, she happened to get a call from JM and is going to be getting some good pez today (which she is kind enough to share.) She was sure in a bad mood last night. I hope she doesnt have a repeat of yesterday.
I had meant to get out last night and attend dinner and a movie at Wildrose, but you know I have discovered that I really cant take terra out in social situations. She cant deal with it and besides she isnt really the company Im looking for to be with in a place like that. To be honest Terra isnt the least bit interested in me or my life so it makes most conversations very one sided. And Im just getting back into the habit of doing things solo.
Since Im quite alone now, I have to make the best of it. Sara recommended the Unitarian church to me, to hopefully meet interesting intelligent people, but Im not big on church, so I haven't gone. I need to realize that Sara is more insightful and wise about these things, plus she has helped so many people out like myself who are looking to get more out their lives. Sara is really my closest friend these days and I dont think she even knows it.
I hope things turn out well for terra today, I really do. I dont wish her any disappointment, I just wish she would open her eyes and see whats really going on around her.

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Date:2002-01-12 07:27
Subject:hello chris? this is lauren...

for some reason I can remember most of this dream. I had decided to call gigglecam out of the blue on my cel phone and chat. She was home for the day, on vacation she said. So, Im chatting away with her on the phone (complete with bad cel reception...) and then the apartment is on fire and we have to get out now! so Im running away, still talking to her and then I am in Tacoma, down by the bridge still trying to talk to her on the phone. (how is San Diego? how did you start you cam? how is marty? etc..) it was hard to hear because of the traffic. Then I am in some park, and Jerry is there swimming in a pond like a fish. So cute to see your cat swim! then I end up at my Folks house, still on the phone and Terra and CB show up, but I kinda ignore them because Im trying to talk to her on the phone still. I hand the phone to terra, but she cant hear anything (?) so I grab it back quickly because I dont want her to hang up and continue chatting. Terra is wearing something white with blue polka dots and she is late for a therapy? appt. CB and Terra leave and then I finally get off the phone (very nice talking to you chris.) wake up to Jerry crying and I remembered most of it!
The cel phone did this weird thing where the front would flip around like one of the newer car cd players do. Very odd. I wonder why I had to call chris in san diego?
I tell Terra about the dream and it turns out she remembers hers also. She was trying to join some mafia group and the guy next to her slipped her some drug into her drink and she pours it out and accuses him of trying to drug her.
:: ::
Last night was weird, we had expected to hook up with Bill and go to Chevys for dinner, but he disappeared, I kept trying to call him, but he never returned my calls. SO TL and Terra and I went out to eat, and sat at the bar and drank Lava Lamps. Mmmm.... Lava Lamps.

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Date:2002-01-11 10:18
Subject:yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon....

ahh sometimes a day makes a world of difference.
Things are better today, and are getting better by the minute. Tonight shall be fun....
Someone has brought me good news and I am going out to lunch withTerra to OG.
Mmmm... minestrone and breadstix. My favourite!

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Date:2002-01-10 14:01
Subject:Hate today

what will I wake up to tomorrow?

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Date:2002-01-09 07:29
Subject:cold, warm, cold

Last night for some reason I found my self in a really crummy mood. I just wanted to be alone. I dont know what brought that on, or if it has anything to do with the fact that I dont get any time for myself alone. My roomie, Terra is always there since she doesnt have a job or anything else to do here. I used to be able to come home from work, relax and have some free time (usually a couple hours) before TL would get home from Seattle. I know I upset Terra yesterday because I was being a real bitch, for no good reason. This is very unusual for me, I have a pretty stable mood.
TL called me and asked if I would come down to hang out for awhile. I think she could tell I was upset. I said yes, because I really wanted to see her some more. I have managed to spend the last 3 days with her somehow. It felt good to be at the old house last night. I really miss living there, and with her. I hate apartments. Im not sure if Im truly happy about anything in my life right now. I guess I should spend some time thinking about what it is thats making me feel unhappy.
Im 6 months into transition and its going well. At least as far as transition is concerned. I havent had any second thoughts or remissions into guy mode. I am single again, at least in regards with TL, but I have no idea how I would go about meeting anyone new, even if I wanted to. Im torn over that. I feel so lonely, Im really quite an affectionate person, and I miss having someone to share that with. I feel like that part of myself is closing up, like a shell is forming around me.
I dont like it. I need to find a way out.

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Date:2002-01-07 11:53
Subject:Going to LaConner
Mood:rain and work

mmm... smoked salmon and goat cheese pizza. my new favourite.
Tl and I headed up to LaConner yesterday, it was her first real trip with Xoe. The skies were horribly gloomy, and it was early. Too early for TL, she had been out partying the night before at chez gus with all her friends. Even though she was hungover, she still wanted to spend the day with me. I thought that was really sweet. For some reason however, I was on the verge of tears for most of the morning. I've had lots of things on my mind the past few days and I havent been able to verbalize exactly what they are. In short I think Im feeling like Im on the precipice of loneliness... although I hardly ever get any time alone, I feel so lonely. I try to tell myself that this wont be forever and things will change, but I have that feeling deep inside that it will be. I just need to get used to it. Ive never been truly alone, and maybe now is my time for that. I cant see how anyone would love me, at least romantically. Any woman I meet is going to either want a man, or a real woman. I am neither. get used to it.
anyway, I managed to go through the whole day, and it was fun mind you, without crying. I also realize that today is my hormone shot day and the day before is always an emotional rollercoaster. Im getting used to that too.
We went to Good Kitty/Bad Kitty, and got Jer-Bear some much deserved treats all wrapped up and sprinkled with catnip. Oh he was excited to open his little presents!
I didnt buy anything else, other than that excellent lunch. Always, always order whatever TL is getting. there should be no exceptions to that.

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Date:2002-01-03 08:42

I miss you

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Date:2002-01-02 09:09
Subject:the time is now twenty oh two...

oops its been awhile!
I just havent found myself in front of a computer to write anything, but now that I am back to work...
its just the same as when I left it last year, except someone sat at my desk and ate a lot of mcdonalds apple pies and didnt throw out the trash. bastards.
Lets have a brief recap shall we?
Xmas was alright, my brother and his family were there and it was all very civil, although my brother did not use my new name (citing religious reasons) ~ he didnt use my old name either. It was weird because there were these presents that didnt have any name on them, turns out they were mine.
Terra spent the holiday with my family, which was very nice. She did well and I think had a good time playing with my 2 yr old niece, Hayden.
I got to go clothes shopping with my mom! which was a wonderful experience and definitely one that I had always hoped for, but never expected. I got some new jeans, jewelry and a scarf. I think we will shop together again soon. My mom is the best!
Tls folks were in town for almost the entire break, so I didnt get to see her very much. I didnt get a chance to talk with her parents either, I guess (from what TL says) is that they are still very mad at me. oh well, their loss.
I did manage to get out and do some exploring in my new van (named 'Xoe' btw) ~ went to Deception Pass and to the mountains and a lot of driving around Seattle. Went to the Henry art museum too, which had a really cool anime exhibit, but there were too many security guards to really enjoy myself... they just watch you and its quite uncomfortable.
Being on vacation afforded me the opportunity to reflect a little on the past year, a year of tumultuous change for my friends, family and I.
I think Im doing okay, and for the most part they are as well. There are a lot of things coming up this year too, so I know its going to be a crazy one.

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Date:2001-12-20 12:10
Subject:mmm... van

omg I love the van. Its so luxurious, like being in a limo. Hardly 'feels' like a van at all. Im already calling it my car. I think its name is 'Zoe', but Im not sure yet. It was a pain to finally get it into my posession yesterday, let me tell you. Well, actually it wasn't that interesting.
So anyway after I got the van home last night I grabbed anakin and terra and I headed off to Camano Island for a little evening drive. We ended up at the Camano Roaster parking lot, sitting way in the back of the van, with Zeppelin IV cranked... yeah it was fun. Cant wait to go for another drive.

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Date:2001-12-18 09:51
Subject:89 days

I have a little time, so might as well write!
Im so happy for Terra, I cant believe she only has 89 freaking days to go... lots of things to get accomplished before then and this changes things for me too somewhat. I have a feeling my own date is going to be much sooner than I had expected and Im not ready for it. At least in the sense of having taken care of everything that needs to be done. As far as mentally, I am so ready... I wish I didnt have to wait at all.
So last night was good, filled with all sorts of good news. I think Terra is still in shock.
Im sure Rhondas will move up today and then mine soon after that. Where is Rhonda btw? I havent seen her in weeks...

Im supposed to be picking up my new van tonight, but I guess its still not ready! this drives me crazy, why cant they ever give you a realistic date for when it will be done? argh....
they said it would be ready last friday.

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Date:2001-12-14 14:32
Subject:the grind (slave to)

oh my what a long week... work has been extremely busy lately. Most of our crew rest design has been finalized and it nows moves into the actual drawing process. Hopefully I will be able to get some overtime out of it. Ive been doing PDM all week and I think it is starting to drive me krazy.
Went out last night with TL, I had to get my xmas shopping accomplished and somehow I managed to get most of it done. I just have to find something for Terra and my dad and then Im done. I also need to figure out what Im going to wear to my parents house for xmas. This will be the first time that my brother has seen me, and also the first time my folks will have seen me dressed up all sparkly-like.
Terra has been really depressed lately. Ive realized that I have taken on somewhat of a 'parenting' role with her, its new for me and Im not very good at it. But I want to help her all that I can, she has done so much for me already I feel indebted. I have been getting her up and out of bed by 5am the past couple days and that seems to be working well, although I hate getting up any earlier than I have to...
I just found out that Im not getting the van until monday, so I am sad.
I think I shall have to go spend some time with Anakin to feel better today, and since its Friday, I think a viewing of 'Friday" is most fitting.

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Date:2001-12-10 07:45
Subject:Terra's Folks
Mood:still sad and confused

...came to visit for the weekend. I thought they were very nice parents. I really enjoyed the few minutes we all had together that didnt include bitching at Terra for not doing this or that. They are obsessed with Terras surgery, to the point where they dont think Terra is serious enough about it to them. That she will somehow fail the requirements and not be allowed. That she is also taking advantage of me and not putting effort into finding a job~ I had to deal with that all weekend and didnt have much, if any, time for myself. They did some very nice things for her and I though, like buying our groceries for the next couple weeks and taking us out to dinner. I realize they only want to help in any way they can, and they do.. Yesterday we took them to the Space Needle gift shop and to the pike place market before they had to be at the airport.. I felt like such a tourist!
It also snowed in the morning and it was so beautiful, but it didnt stick around unfortunately.
Today I am wearing this mood changing nail polish that B gave me last week, it was a pain to apply and it looks weird, but It does change colour according to temperature. Hmmm...weird.

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Date:2001-12-07 14:12
Subject:Chester in my future

in a direct attempt to improve my attitude I have ordered the Sifl and Olly Season 3 DVD (lost episodes)
Too bad I wont be seeing it for a week or two. Hopefully I will get the soundtrack to 'waking life' in the mail today or tomorrow, that would be super cres at best.

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Date:2001-12-05 10:51
Subject:11 days

Don't go longer than 11 days between shots. Ive been trying 13 or 14 days, but its not working out very well for me. By the 10th day I can tell there isnt much in my system and my skin gets really dry no matter how much water I consume.
Last night Terra and I went out to Thai palace with B, it was delicious and we had fun. We were definitely baked afterwards when B told us about his out of body pilots license. I had a feeling he was a trip, but I didnt realize how much until last night. We ended up getting a quarter of a delicious strain I had not had the pleasure of tasting before. Very dark green, yet fluffy and red as hell.

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Date:2001-12-04 11:13
Subject:paranoid perhaps
Mood:anxiously paranoid

I was so hoping that I would wake up with snow on the ground today, no such luck... probably wont see anymore of that this year. Im actually hoping we get more because I need to learn how to drive in it and the van is going to be perfect for that.
Terra is out on a job interview right now! I hope she gets it, she desperately needs work. She has done a pretty good job of keeping my kitty busy during the day and housework. I do appreciate it very much. I know Jerry does too. Its been nice to have a friend around to talk to whenever I need one. She is a great friend to me...In a year when I have questioned all my friendships, and needed someone to talk to. Basically I only have 2 friends at this point, Terra and TL. I thought Rhonda was a friend, but she has turned out to be a bit flaky and I haven't spoken with her in a couple weeks. I would like to consider Sara a friend as well, but I dont see her outside of my electro appts and I pay her for her time anyway.
Tonight we are going over to Bs and getting the last of the pez for the year. B says its incredible, much more potent than the last (and I thought that was primo~) then we shall go to Homegrown for new lighters and I want to look at the glass bowls again for TL. B brought in a sample for me this morning. Its sitting here next to me buried deep inside my purse. I can sense it. I want to look at it. Im paranoid that I would get caught, although I dont know who would care... 84% of my group are stoners.
Work is a nightmare these days, I have way too much and not enough time... I just learned that my lead is going to be transferred to another group~ Im sure its due to his poor attendance. I wonder who will replace him? its going to be interesting to find out who and why.

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Date:2001-12-03 11:11

dreaming I am, definitely. there will be no substitute. I am an original. There will be no exceptions.
these are the facts
Almond Joy lattes are quite tasty on a brisk fall morning.
Driving aimlessly seems to fullfill my wanderlust. Being out and about near the water makes life more peaceful, especially if there is little or no traffic. I wish Sunday were more than just one day.
Awhile ago, TL and I invented 'Sunnerday', which takes place between saturday and sunday. An extra day if you will, squeezed inbetween. Accomplished by getting up early saturday morning, but retiring early as possible, say 7 or 8 pm~ awaking very early sunday morning (sunnerday) say 12 or 1 am and actually doing something....then going back to bed in the early morning hours and sleeping until 2 sunday afternoon.. my last sunnerday memory~ driving to Bellingham at 3am in a torrential downpour.

Busy at work today, I have too much to do and not enough time. And I know that it will only get worse once the contractors leave. Also, The lease is up at MBA and it looks like I will be staying another 6 months, hopefully Terra will get a job soon and we can start saving up to move into another place.
Her parents come on Friday for the weekend. This should be interesting to meet them. Im also getting the Van on saturday~ really looking forward to this weekend a lot. And its only Monday!!

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Date:2001-11-30 13:26
Subject:Savoy Truffle

I was wondering why that song kept going 'round and 'round in my head this past week, so odd... Its definitely my favourite, even more so than 'Within you, Without you'.
The Beatles are so fascinating, Im surprised I didnt really appreciate them until I was in my mid 20's ~ being that I was exposed to them so often by my brother and a lot of friends I had in high school. I was far too deep into Zeppelin and Metallica then. And I thought I had an open mind in regards to music!
My tastes are so much more diverse these days, I find myself listening to things I never even imagined I would like, such as Orbital and Cibo Matto.
Music is one of the things that keeps me here. I realized that after Kurt killed himself, I couldnt fathom why he would do it and in turn questioned my own reasons for not doing it. Why dont I kill myself?
My life is definitely not easy, Im in denial about my transexuality, Im poor, I have no love... it seemed like it would be the easy way out... Music is one of the reasons that I decided to live, to hear new songs and new groups and new ideas...Kurt has missed out on so much!
Thats why I cant do it, plus I wanted to live to realize my dream of becoming a woman someday. Which I am now in the midst of obviously.
Then there is the weed factor~ I know it makes me happy, I do it because it makes me happy. Deep down inside myself is sadness, getting stoned displaces the sadness with happiness, albeit temporarily. My life is not a fountain of wonderful amazing fun right now, but it is getting better~
Just having a couch to sit on and a sweet kitty hanging around has helped immensely.
Oh I got a letter from an old friend yesterday that I have been constantly writing to in hopes we could still be friends, and the nice things he said made me cry! I didnt want to lose his friendship, so I fought to keep it. Im so glad that we can still talk. After all he is the one that introduced TL to me. Im so grateful for that.

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Date:2001-11-28 07:34
Subject:The White Stuff

Snow snow snow
in my eyes and in my hair.
Its so beautiful outside! ~ Why Why Why am I at work?
I am tormenting myself. I should be out playing in it. It rarely snows like this, so suddenly and with such voracity.
Im mostly watching through the windows, in a trance-like state. I think I need some Hot Chocolate.

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Date:2001-11-27 11:10
Subject:a photo of me

Taken early in the morning before work, not a great one, but this is me!

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Date:2001-11-27 07:10

Tuesday arrives without warning.
Im sitting at the dawn of a new day. It feels warm and fuzzy despite the chilly weather. There is definitely Winter in the air~ Thankfully I have a new coat to keep me toasty on the long walk into my office, and gloves. I'm dying to go play in the snow, but that will have to wait until I have the 'Van of Ill repute' in my posession. Im so excited about the van, and I haven't even seen it yet.
Chris called me at MBA last night, I was surprised, he just wanted to chat. I would like to think he misses my friendship, but who knows, he is a funny little bird. I had to cut the conversation short because I was overdue at TLs for a night of attempted comfort. My Dear TL had an extremely rough day at work and almost resigned. I got her some Fried Chicken dinner and we smoked some of the excellent B weed and were a little silly. Laughter is the best medicine. Im crossing my fingers and toes that she has a better day today.

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Date:2001-11-26 14:44
Subject:back to work

One thing I hate about work is that it never ends...
Crow was disassembled for most of the weekend, hence the lack of updates. I was just too lazy to put her together in a timely manner.
My Parents came up on Thursday, a first for them at MBA and meeting Terra. It was fun, Mom said that Terra is pretty! I made breakfast for all and accidentally served Terra some bacon... Which I promptly ate. It was delicious and Moms cherry pie was perfect as usual.
I learned later that evening that they spoke to my brother about me, and he feels bad for the way he has been treating me. So who knows, maybe it will be a family xmas after all.

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Date:2001-11-21 08:54
Subject:the living-impaired

I am not awake today. Stayed up way too late last night. I dont want to be here at work. I want to play and run and laugh and oh yeah I forgot, Im not a kid anymore.
I had dinner with TL last night, I wore my Pj's to the house and she didnt mind. I just wanted to be comfy. We didnt talk about anything important, I dont know if she didnt feel like it or is tired of discussing things. Oh well. We did catch a program about daily egyptian life 3000 years ago. Quite interesting to discover that egyptian women had more rights than even american women did up until the 1950's. They were allowed to own property and have jobs and live their own lives pretty much.
Today Im going to Seattle with Terra, she has a Dr. appt and doesnt know how to find the office. Should be fun. I sincerely hope she is awake and out job-hunting as I write this, her lack of work is starting to become a strain on our situation. Plus I feel like Im the only one really cleaning the apt more often than not. She doesnt really care about her living conditions, but I certainly do. I cant deal with a messy house, it makes me anxious until I can clean it up. And my folks are coming to visit tomorrow, so it has to be clean and tidy. I hope it turns out well, it will be the first time my folks have been to MBA and also the first time meeting Terra.

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Date:2001-11-19 10:19
Subject:some things

Well since I dont seem to have any pressing work today, I will just write things down that Im thinking about, before I forget them.
Time is running out on the lease for MBA. One month left... I am still undecided as to whether I will be moving or not. It depends on the 'terra job' factor and of course the ever present 'will TL want me to move back home?' factor. Myself, I am always wishing she will ask me to move back in with her, but I dont know if she will ever be able to live with me again. I hope and pray, I visualize, I talk to her about it. I wonder what else I can do to help make that a reality. We still spend a lot of time together, and we always have a great time doing things... So I dont know. I miss her so very much. I feel like I will always miss her. It will take me a long time to ever get over it. I cant imagine being with anyone else. I know my chances of ever finding love again are slim to none, and especially to find someone of TLs caliber (Intelligent, beautiful, fun, caring...) is next to, if not impossible. I do at times wish I were not Transgendered, so that I could be with her again and live that life.
No one ever said it was going to be easy. I knew it was going to be extrememly difficult and heart breaking... I just didnt ever want to break her heart. She truly doesnt deserve it.

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Date:2001-11-18 09:04
Subject:the 'L virus'

I have been down with a really evil cold the past few days. I dont have a clue as to who I got it from, but if I knew, I would hunt them down and tickle them until they peed their pants.
I think TL and Terra are coming down with it now too. I sure hope its not "capt tripps"...
So I haven't done much of anything the past few days. Ive been reading 'Watership Down' and drinking lots of tea. Sleeping as much as possible. I did manage to finish up TLs birthday package though. I hope she likes it. We are going out to lunch here in about 4 hours~ (all 3hree of us.)
Next week I am going to start looking for new places to live in Seattle. I think we shall find a way to get downtown. I will have another vehicle to make the commute in, so it shouldnt be too difficult. Terra just needs to find a job somewhere... it almost doesnt matter anymore. Just find a job girlfriend! I cant believe she hasn't found work yet. I try not to get on her case about it, but its been 3 months! Her folks are coming to visit in 2 weeks and I know she wants to have one by then. I try to help her as much as I can, but I cant find a job for her...
I keep thinking positive thoughts. She will get a job. We will make it to Seattle. I will get another car. my cat will learn to talk. I will feel better and go to work tomorrow...

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Date:2001-11-14 08:34

Sadness seems contagious. I feel that sometimes emotions wash over us in waves, and we are all affected by it, albeit in slightly different ways. Its also difficult when two people need each other, neither gets the comforting they require.
With time, this anomaly shall pass and be replaced with another~
Alas, tonight shall be a small victory in a week of battles lost; TL is coming over for dinner and a movie Which means we shall hopefully shed no tears, laugh, be exceptionally silly and fall asleep on the floor.

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Date:2001-11-13 11:54
Subject:down to the 3rd power
Mood:down (and out)

my tooth hurts today, so luckily I had some vicodin in my purse (from electro on saturday) and I just took one. It feels better, but now Im feeling a bit spacy for being at work. whoops! I think it improved my mood a bit too. I was on the verge of tears all day yesterday... for various reasons, Im sure most of it was due to hormones... but I was still very sad about some things. Friendship for one, being transgendered in a decidedly non-transgendered world is another. Not having any positive transgender role models doesnt help either.
I never really felt like I fit in anywhere and I still dont. Probably never will.
I also realized I have only two friends at this point in my life, I feel like I have to start over again in that area and its not going to be easy, especially living where I do. I dont want to move away from TL at all, but I know that my social life would improve if I were living somewhere much closer to Seattle. I dont even know if i really want anymore friends. I need good true friends, and they are impossible to find!

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Date:2001-11-12 10:23

My boss just informed my group that we could be actually laying off direct employees as early as february, I will probably be able to weather the storm until june or possibly next xmas, but things could change. I know the plane crash this morning didnt help matters. Its going to be very different here at work in the next month or so.

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Date:2001-11-12 08:22

" I wish you were queen, just for today."
my coworker is snoring. I am in dire need of coffee. must.. get.. some...
but as usual I dont want to leave my desk and go on walkabout. I get stared at a lot when I do, and occasionally run into an acquaintance that doesn't know about my transition yet, and I either get to explain it to them, or just ignore them and hope they go away. Im so tired of telling people!
I found out just yesterday that my mom finally told my brother and sister in law awhile ago. I guess he didnt say much, but his wife got into a huge argument with my dad about the religious aspects of it. I had no idea.
- guess I wont be seeing them much over the holidays, which is quite a blessing come to think of it.
Sunday was Moms bday (72!) and TL and I went to see her, brought her flowers and TL got her an awesome glove/headband/scarf set. It was really great to see my folks, even if it was only for an hour.

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Date:2001-11-09 08:00

erase yesterday afternoon from memory.

Today is an all new factory fresh day hot off the press. Take advantage of that. Dont allow yesterday to affect today.
Tonight will be fun, Terra and I are having a slumber party!

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Date:2001-11-07 21:26

I have been informed that I'm the only one who cares about purple ketchup.

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Date:2001-11-07 11:00
Subject:To Chris, with love

Chris and I wrote each other yesterday, He wanted to know what my take on last thursday was. This was my reply;
"Yes It was interesting the other night. I'm sorry you were uncomfortable. You have to realize one thing about Terra, she is extremely honest and forthright. She will speak her mind if something is bothering her. She was really excited to meet you and she was excited for me to see you again and have you come visit. for some reason I had thought that you were coming over alone, and I didnt expect Trace to stop by either. For a few minutes there I felt like it was you three visiting each other in my apt and I wasn't there. Terra noticed that and said something about it. She knows that I have been feeling like you three are all good friends now and Im not a part of that anymore. I know it upset all of you, including myself since I wont speak up for me, but I cant apologize for her or the situation.
It also hurt a bit that heather said my badge photo was unattractive. You know I may not be pretty, but I am actually proud of that badge even if the photo is crap. I dont get many compliments from anyone, either positive or negative, so I dwell on any comments I get at all.
Anyway, its no big deal, Im not upset about any of this. I want to be your friend... Im glad that you were able to come over, I hope it wasnt too uncomfortable and you will want to come back. Heather also made a comment that I could have stopped by your place at anytime previous, but does she know that I wanted to do just that but you told me that you weren't comfortable with that yet?
And yes it was difficult hearing 'he' and my old name, I know its hard for you but I know you can do it. It would help if I saw you more, you would get more at ease with things like that. I promise."
He just read it a few minutes ago but hasnt replied yet.

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Date:2001-11-06 09:14

every single time I call the computing help desk here I get sirred~ unless I really try to use my girl voice, and when I do that, they treat me like I dont know anything about computers. I hate that. I never treated girls like that. Guys suck. Boeing Computer Helpdesk Guys suck especially.

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Date:2001-11-06 07:21
Subject:on the phone again

I just cant wait to get on the phone again.
lets see~ this must be day 9 in getting my accounts renamed. And its not done yet. Maybe 45 more minutes. Then they say it will work.
And the tech just 'sirred' me. lovely. such a great start to the day...

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Date:2001-11-05 09:27
Subject:waking life

Today was one of those days where I didn't want to ruin a perfectly enjoyable weekend by going back to work, so Im staying home! Maybe I will go see 'Waking Life' again?
Im certain that most of the crowd at the theatre yesterday had already seen it once or twice. I figured that out about 5 minutes into it. I cant wait to see it again!

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Date:2001-11-02 09:06
Subject:Mitch Hedberg

I might be going to see Mitch Hedberg tonight at Giggles!
Oh this could be just what I need. Some laughs, some drinks, some good comedy...
Plus someone brought me a really nice buddha sack last night, so this weekend is definitely promising.

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Date:2001-11-02 08:24

Chris and heather came by last night, First time visitors at MBA. Terra and I got 'sir'd' a lot and chris kept using my old name. It was tense... heather said my badge picture was unattractive. In fact they didnt really say anything nice to me or Terra come to think of it. I drank half a bottle of wine while they were there on an empty stomach. I didnt feel very good afterwards physically or mentally.
I need to let go of my past.
I need to get out and meet new people.
New people are the best because they usually use the correct pronouns and always my chosen name.

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Date:2001-11-02 07:47

well here I am on the phone again with computing 'help' like I have been the past week.straight.
they're playing some annoying jazz song. its been 4 minutes...now its a muzak version of the beatles...

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Date:2001-10-26 08:54

the last rant about this I swear!
I'm feeling like all my friends that I had before transition really don't care about me.
Im so sad about that, but I have to pick myself up and move on with my life.
I cant cry anymore about something I have no control over. I just have to realize that those individuals had a conditional friendship with me, that they would only be there for me if I was a male.
Homophobia is just a cop out excuse for cowardice and fear and lack of knowledge.
I keep foolishly hoping that they will all come to their senses and do something to show me that they do indeed care about me. A note or a call or something. A visit from chris perhaps. I really hoped that chris would've stopped by MBA sometime last week. Well its been 2 weeks since I invited him over again
(for the 46378836th time) and no chris. He barely even calls me. But when I call him on his lack of friendship he gets offensive and claims that he is still my best friend and isn't going anywhere ( but where are you chris?)
Last night TL went out to dinner with Heather, chris' girlfriend. Well they invited him along too. Might as well since he would just be home alone. So there are 3 of my closest friends; my wife and my best friend from HS and his G/f having a wonderful little evening, and I am sitting at home eating spaghetti-os. Crying my eyes out because I am so lonely. Thank god for Terra and Jer-bear.
So anyway I am done with my pre transition friends.

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